I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
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