I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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