at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
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