Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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