I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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