I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
