I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
