his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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