you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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