Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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