I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
