I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
This is my gift to your gina
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
