she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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