She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
