But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
