My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
