I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize