this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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