dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
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