You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
