Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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