proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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