you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
