Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
