Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Randomize
