Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I have demons in me.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
