The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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