i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
