There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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