Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
