I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
It's blow job season.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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