dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
