It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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