i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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