dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
