dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
