time to smoke my breakfast
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
