god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
