I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
oh god was she eating orange peels again
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
