when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
