I wish I could punch you in the face.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
