Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Someone came in the potted fern
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
