the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
