You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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