there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
