rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Randomize
