This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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