i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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