I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Randomize
