I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
whose ass print is on the piano?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
