His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Four minutes until I can fart!
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
this hospital has no fireball
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
