So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
