wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Randomize
