So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Randomize
