I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
