yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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