My friends, they love my intelligence
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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