Im at strip club and am horny
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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